statement

february 9, 2021

I would like to address an event publicly, for the first and last time, because despite the fact that I haven’t spoken out or engaged in any way the bullying hasn’t stopped. It’s been months.

I know this will get screenshot, ridiculed, “dragged,” just as the group has done regarding my social media posts, my professional occupation, my personal creative projects, my appearance, etc., but I don’t want sympathy. I’m not looking to change anyone’s mind. I just want it to stop.

Over the summer of 2020 I was approached and invited to join a podcast group.

At the time I thought the people involved had good intentions and were interested in amplifying my voice and in general diversifying and including more women in their project.

Once I got to know the group, I saw a lot of potential to make a real difference in the US fútbol world. There are clearly voices and narratives that are missing and very needed in this space, and for a while this group seemed like the perfect fit.

I, like many people, have a lot going on, so when I decide to take on projects, I refuse to half-ass them. I like to do everything to the best of my ability and put out only quality work that I am proud of. At the time, this was a quality of mine that was admired and welcome by the group. I put in the necessary work it takes to grow a project. I grew the twitter following from 60-something to over 600. I spread the word about the podcast, even bringing in international listeners. My brother designed a new logo for free to help rebrand. And in direct response, the download numbers skyrocketed. Everything was all praise, and I felt comfortable and welcome until I didn’t.

Any kind of creative or content-creation project (podcast, youtube channel, large Instagram or Twitter account) requires a lot of dedication and hard work, and arguably the most important aspect is consistency. More posts = more eyes = more engagement = more listeners/subscribers/followers/etc. Failure to be consistent puts you at the mercy of social media algorithms and can take eyes away from future posts. I believe if you are producing a podcast, your primary obligation is to release regular podcast episodes.

After many weeks of consistent episodes, we recorded two back-to-back in October/November. One member of the group was in charge of editing and posting after assuring us he could take this on when we were left in the lurch by the engineer who left the podcast, and after many days, and then weeks, passed with no communication or new episode posted, I reached out via text to ask a simple question about when it might be finished. In response, I was sent a very angry and aggressive voice note berating me for daring to ask about the status of our project.

This podcast member lied about their ability to edit the podcast in a timely manner, and then continually lied about how far along they were in the process. This person did not reach out to the group to update us when these episodes would be available. Followers and listeners were reaching out asking about the episodes. In my opinion, it is unprofessional to not put out episodes and not include some sort of statement about why.

In no way did I attack or insult this person in any way. I merely asked an accountability question. Any form of communication about mental health, personal obligations, scheduling difficulties, etc., would have been met with understanding and compassion. None of these things, and indeed nothing at all, was communicated.

When this happened I was extremely hurt, and so I reached out to people whom I thought were my friends and had my back. I felt I had a close relationship with two of the other members of the podcast and I let them know that I could not continue and why. At that time, both of these members reassured me that they did not want me to leave the podcast and that this could be fixed. I decided to just “take a break” and see how things played out.

The podcast member started to go behind my back privately with a false narrative about what had happened. This person has a large following, is attractive, very outwardly charming, and has marginalized intersecting identities, all of which led to them being able to spread their false narrative easily. They capitalized on the fact that there were other people in the group who already disliked me for other reasons. I did not know initially that these people already disliked me – we were all members of a friend group that met and socialized regularly, praised me regularly, and acted as if everything was fine. The fact that people I considered friends lied in my face so effectively makes me wonder if these people have had secret plans to “take me down” for a long time. Regardless, they started assuming everything I posted was a subtweet directed at them. The day that the situation happened, the podcast member blocked me and two founders of a large inclusive supporters group, dragging them into a situation they had nothing to do with. One of the members who was blocked had no idea what was even happening, because while we were friends, there was not a super close relationship and I would have had no reason to relate such personal information to them. Ironically when I first joined the podcast, I was almost immediately asked to include and introduce them to this same supporters group, which in retrospect seems like maybe there was an ulterior motive to asking me to join the podcast. Still, I have no regrets about joining and hold no resentment toward the podcast, I had an incredible time while it lasted. I had only ever wanted the podcast to succeed and do well.

Because I was hurt and upset at what had happened to me, I told people I trusted as friends (they of course weren’t but I wouldn’t find out until later) but I did not tweet or say anything publicly, or talk to anyone outside of what I thought was my close circle of friends, or bring attention to this in any way. Still to this day, I haven’t slandered anyone’s name or exposed any of the things shared with me in confidence or anything problematic I witnessed while I was a part of this group. 

Regardless of how the podcast member felt or perceived about what had (and had not) happened, as a person who pretended to care about intent vs. impact, why did they not even try to talk it out? Instead they went around behind my back, involving the entire group and close friends, and started to make a spectacle out of it. Even though I had already made the decision to exit the project, this behavior solidified my decision. And at the heart of everything, my hurt feelings aside, if they felt they were doing the right thing for the podcast and I did not agree, I had every right to remove myself from the project without fear of bullying and harassment.

Before I officially exited the podcast, I had a meeting with the two other members about an idea for a solo project I’d been contemplating for a few weeks. I thought I could trust these people, and they gave me their blessings and mentioned excitement for my future work.

I then stepped down from the podcast publicly, subtly and in good faith. Both other podcast members stayed incredibly supportive for a while.

Mere days after my solo project was released with some mild success, the podcast member and their “supporters” went nuclear publicly with their false narrative. They used vague language and even more vague “receipts.” This timing is suspect at best. My profession and my professional accomplishments were mocked. I was doxxed and documents were cherry picked from an anonymous website where anyone can just make comments about professors. Coincidentally none of the good comments were shared. They directly called me racist and homophobic. My identity and humanity as an immigrant minoritized woman was completely erased and mocked.

Most recently I had my logo and marketing, that I am very proud of, torn apart and mocked based on the glittery and feminine appearance. This is incredibly degrading and misogynist. This perpetuates the idea that only certain ~aesthetics~ are worthy of praise or of being considered serious. It perpetuates a notion that anything feminine or “girly” is wrong and immature and unprofessional and just plain rude.

The founders of the inclusive supporters group, who are both queer, were also publicly dragged into this mess for being “associated” with me. One of the founders, a non-binary sexworker, was also mocked, misgendered, and body shamed. Both of them had their identities erased and reduced to a “karen” or “becky” despite both being people who do real life work to uplift marginalized voices and people. 

I was accused of using my trauma to make money. People chose to donate to my workshop because they like my work and value what I have to say. I used that money to further fund my project and pay the artists that helped me achieve my vision. My trauma did not come into play at all during any moment of this process of launching my project and I did not “make money.”

I am a Latina woman with significant white privilege. I am an immigrant. English is not my first language. My parents survived a dictatorship that was imposed by the USA. There is genetic trauma that is passed down from that. My job entails extensive Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion work. My long term partner is a Black man, a frontline healthcare worker, who was an integrated member of the friend group and some people, including one of the two members of the podcast whom I thought I could trust, were constantly acknowledging the stress he must be under as a front line worker. Because my partner is not as online, he has been conveniently erased from the narrative, as it doesn’t quite fit with their agenda.

Before him, my longest term relationship was with a woman. I do not post or talk about these things publicly because even though I am a minoritized queer person, I also hold white-passing and straight-passing privilege and therefore purposefully try to avoid centering myself in any racial or LGBTQ narrative.

My extensive experience with the topic of inclusion and equity, and in de-centering myself constantly, actually worked to their advantage because it made it easy for them to just treat me like none of my intersections of identity exist. I do not use these things as buzzwords. This is not a competition. It is about acknowledging that we are all complicit in oppressive systems in different ways.

I am not claiming to be perfect on matters of social justice, I am a human being who has biases and blind spots on a journey to improve daily. I do know my strengths and my weaknesses and I know I do everything with full transparency and honesty, and I know what happened to me was real and the narrative being spread is false and disingenuous. I had nothing to gain from making any of this up, and everything to lose. This was a person I trusted and whom I thought was my true friend who hurt me, and then orchestrated a false narrative that others took advantage of to attempt to take me down.

I have always been transparent about who I am /what I do/ where I stand/my shortcomings,

This group of people, regardless of other levels of marginalization, are still complicit in and benefit from serious privileges that they do not acknowledge in any way. This is not about restorative justice or standing up for marginalized people. This issue is all about a disproportionate response to a simple question. There is no truth to the narrative where the member of the podcast or any member of this group is a victim of me or my actions in any way. This is a blatant personal vendetta. I do not now, nor did I then have the power to “silence” anyone. I am all about accountability when mistakes are made. This was not one of those times. No one wanted accountability in that group and no one wanted any healing or restorative justice.

This experience has been very traumatizing, but I have never posted about it, tried to “recruit,” anyone, change anyone’s mind, or involved anyone outside of the situation. I understood immediately that everyone jumped on the podcast member’s bandwagon and I chose to quietly distance myself. When stuff like this happens, there is nothing that the accused can do because if they defend themselves they are still attacked, if they apologize they are attacked, so there’s no good outcome. That has always been in the back of my mind as I was working through the anxiety of this event.

When we were still a friend group, we encountered white supremacy and misogyny constantly, and I’ve never seen them respond to actual white supremacists or misogynists with anywhere close to the same energy and dedication. I’ve seen and been a part of members of the group get called out privately for problematic statements regarding transphobia, ableism and xenophobia that they were claimed to be sorry for and learn from. And yet no one made any of it a public spectacle, no one got canceled, no one got dragged.

And now, the same group that pretends to be appalled at oppression is the group that is perpetuating it. 

People who are traumatized do not attempt to continue to relive the “trauma,” tag people, continue to talk about it. They have turned into the social justice police but they don’t actually do any real life work to abolish systems of oppression. AND THAT IS OK. I will never claim to be the authority on anything. I bring knowledge and facts, you can choose to take them or leave them. Everyone can work in their own way. It is not my problem how others choose to understand society. This is not about social justice.

The superficial, hypocritical expectation of perfection when it comes to social justice is problematic and counter-productive. People are complicit with microaggressions every day. If we are genuinely trying to make it a better space, we should be working on progressing together,  especially if there was any truth to the claim that this is a close knit community. I was never contacted by any members of this group to have a private conversation about this perceived injustice. That is because it is manufactured.

This is a self righteous power grab, by people who know the effective language to use, perpetuated by people who are mad that I call out US imperialism and capitalism in every form. This form of attempt at a takedown and erasure is typical of capitalists and US supremacists who feel like anyone “too radical” should not have a platform. 

There was a lot of talk of “respecting life experiences” but this respect was not extended to me. My life experience and intersecting identities suddenly became non existent, by people using theirs to victimize themselves. 

I do not care about losing followers, “friendships” (that obviously never were), or anything like that. I don’t care about clout. Ironically a lot of what they accuse me of is precisely what they are guilty of. If I wanted clout, I could sell out and get it, but I will never compromise my values.  

Some people may be curious about why I stayed quiet so long. First of all I was actually, really traumatized and having panic attacks and could physically not even go on twitter. Secondly, there is no “winning” with this group. People who stay silent get bullied, people who apologize get dragged and told it’s not enough. There is literally no outcome that could satisfy the group, and that is how you know they’re engaging in bad faith. This community used to be one that was for restorative justice. This war path they’re on to “cancel” anyone connected to me or my friend is disingenuous and unsustainable and in bad faith. Regardless of the side you fall on, what I hope to point out is that the response is completely disproportionate to what actually happened.

I have set boundaries which have not been respected. I have been slowly finding my voice again and will continue to block anyone who tries to bring me any more of this drama. I know this will get twisted in so many ways, and you can have fun with that. This is not for you, it’s for me. As always I am open to any questions, comments, or any engagement done in good faith. We can meet on zoom, talk on the phone, whatever you’re most comfortable with. I will not be engaging with any new drama that comes from this, any bad faith actors or anyone trying to incite more violence.

When this is inevitably shared and mocked and ridiculed and torn apart, if you sympathize with me at all, just don’t engage. If you choose to share this (and please feel free to), please don’t tag me. And a huge thank you goes out to everyone who has reached out to support. I have made some real, true friendships and I am so grateful for that.

What I do hope if you are a rational human being reading this, is that you look at the methods being employed by this group and ask yourself if that kind of violence and vitriol toward other marginalized people along with the self-righteousness is something you can co-sign. 

I invite this group to let go of their obsession over me and stand by their promise to “leave it in 2020.” I invite this group to refocus this energy and anger towards doing real social justice work.

I will not be addressing this publicly again, no matter how much more slander, manufactured narratives, or attempted silencing and oppression comes from this. Thank you for reading.